Monday, October 1, 2012

Snow White and the Huntsman

Elements of The Lord of the Rings and Twilight are added to the classic fairytale to try and give it new modern life, but this movie's failure was decided along with its cast; who would ever believe that Kristen Stewart could be fairer than Charlize Theron?

Besides some weirdo magical stuff, and an "epic battle" that was really just a quick castle raid with some fighting, this movie sticks closer to the original story than I expected. After murdering the King, the Evil Queen (Charlize Theron) keeps Snow White (Kristen Stewart) prisoner in the castle for years as she terrorizes her subjects. Snow escapes and flees into the Dark Forest. The queen is afraid of going there, so she sends the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to bring her back, because she just learned that she must eat Snow's heart in order to remain the fairest of them all. (Bad timing on the magic mirror's part... I would fire him.) The Huntsman finds her, and has a mini moment of conflict before deciding to help her instead. There's also a handsome prince (Sam Claflin) and - if my counting skills served me right - eight dwarves. Oh yes, and a magical white stag the size of a horse with tree branches for antlers. I think that's the "Twilight" part.

The Lord of the Rings part was attempted in the tone, and while it was sufficiently gritty, no other Middle Earth qualities quite made the transition. (The dwarves singing around a campfire only made me long for when thirteen of them will be singing in a Hobbit hole come December 14th.) The tone ended up being inconsistent anyway as the picture tries to juggle sweeping adventure, touching romance, epic fantasy, and dark and creepy fantasy, using just one at a time, jumping around with no warning... the result is confusing and exhausting.

Don't they look confused?

The plotting and acting match the uneven tone perfectly. It's the only perfect thing in this movie. The next best thing is Hemsworth. He gave it his all, but couldn't save the film like he did Snow. Perhaps he was simply in it too little. Maybe that's why they're trying for a sequel that focuses solely on his character. (I think I'll settle for Thor 2.) Theron is evil and beautiful, but her evil rants where disturbing and uncomfortable in more wrong ways than right ways. Stewart is unconvincing as the fairest of them all, but maintains her reputation of most deadpan of them all. Sam Claflin worries me as his emotional range is apparently limited to looks of pathetic longing. And if he gives Katniss Everdeen those pouty lips and sickening puppy-dog eyes, I might just lose my lunch, and then go into mourning for poor Finnick.

Redeeming qualities for this movie: none.

Okay, fine, let me think... the action sequences were dull... every fake line of dialogue, and tone change snaps you out of the movie... it's too long, it's too creepy, it's too... fluffy. Hmm. But it entertained me. I bet you're starting to think I'm too easily entertained, but really the majority of my entertainment actually came from the parts of the movie I didn't like... almost like... it was so bad... it was good-- no, you're right, I'm too easily entertained.

We are not amused...

There are parts to this movie that are good - or at least better than the rest of it. And the cast did seem to be really trying... the great Hemsworth almost succeeded in spite of it. But I must say I'm glad I didn't waste money to see it in the theater. I imagine the filmmakers put all their effort into making the trailer, and once they got that looking good, they gave up on the movie trusting that enough people would be tricked into seeing it at least once by the luring trailer and famous cast. If that's what happened they are geniuses. Not really though, because there was a chance for this movie. It was very dim chance, and it could've been a lot worse too of course, but it could've been better. But no, it's just another bad apple of a movie; it's pretty to look at, but beware; it might not taste so great.

Snow White and the Huntsman gave their all
But you don't need a magic mirror on the wall
To see it's not really very fair at all.

Oh yeah. I made a rhyme.

-2/5 stars

1 comment:

  1. I agree 100% -- this was a very weird, mashed-up movie, and Chris Hemsworth was brilliant in it. Your review and mine sound eerily similar, in many ways, lol.